Match Report By Ben Fitzpatrick

Alarms were set to ungodly times like 8am and 8.30am for the Saints 10.30am away trip clash to Yuluma Park, home of the Stirling Panthers. It really is a venue that you don’t look forward to going to and whilst the clubrooms and changing facilities are clean and passable, the surface is poor and pitch size small. All that seems to be missing is a few cows grazing on the substandard turf.

Despite the early start only one player turned up hungover, Francine Ferdipants in only his first appearance back from a sand crab incident in Fiji whilst proposing to his new boss, looked decidedly worse for wear.

The boys were in jovial spirits whilst slipping into the sensual blue Adidas strips as talk centred on what sort of Michael Jackson celebration the team would be doing once we scored the inevitable goal. Amid a lot of crotch grabbing and high pitched whaling it was agreed that the moonwalk would be paraded in front of the packed crowd of onlookers on their way to obtain the early edition of the Sunday Times from the local newsstand.

The breeze wasn’t the only thing that was stiff in the opening minutes, as a number of players had semi’s thanks to the feel of the silky material and the cut of the sensual blue Adidas shorts.

Stirling weren’t to be distracted by the bulging pants and set about their task with vigour, threatening the Saints goal on a number of occasions. The Panthers were playing with three men well advanced and this seemed to cause the Saints issues in knowing who to pick up and when.

Indeed the first 35 minutes of the game were some of the worst stuff the side has played this season. Passes constantly went straight out of bounds or to the opposition, clearances were hashed, world class passes over the top or through eight players were attempted with a howling gale and wet grass to no avail.
Justin Mack Truck Forbes was commanding his area well but Stirling still should have taken the lead on a couple of occasions, the first from a counter hit the side netting whilst a later low cross into the box looked a certain goal but the striker wasn’t able to get enough on it and it dribbled wide.

In the last 10 minutes of the half the Saints finally started to show some attacking play when Bryan “Insert same jokes as Andrew Thorburn last week” McVey lashed a dipping shot from 20 yards that was tipped over the bar. The blues couldn’t capitalise on a string of corners and another long range shot was again tipped over the bar, this time from Ferreira.

At half time it was 0-0 and still no Moonwalk much to the disappointment of the Innaloo orchestra who had assembled to play a harmonic version of Thriller should the Saints bulge the net.

The net was finally bulged on 60 minutes, but not at the right end when the Saints hashed their 1000th throw in of the season, the ball broke down the Panthers right side and with Fitzpatrick covering didn’t look to be too much danger but the striker lashed a powerful low strike from the right edge of the box that went into the bottom left corner, although Kenworth did a fine impersonation of the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

Kevin Krudd has subsequently lodged legislation in federal parliament in an attempt to ban Perth Saints Premier from any future throw ins as it brings the game into disrepute. Saints will now only be allowed to kick the ball into play Futsal style. Domdoms Hodnett should be happy.

10 minutes later the game was over as a contest when Fitzfatricks dallied on the ball in the Saints box, lost it and the resulting cross was turned home by a striker. 2-0, no moonwalk and the Innaloo Orchestra marched off into the horizon.

All in all an utterly forgettable match for the Saints and one that won’t be featuring on Fox Sports News with the lovely Lee Furlong anytime soon.

Comment of the day was attributed to the Fijian Flyer, who said at the start of the game “don’t worry guys, these guys are shit, we can beat this shit team”. In the world of shit analogies, Stirling are the gleaming pile of fresh dog poo with flies hovering at the local park whilst the Saints are the dry on the outside, wet on the inside dog poo that has been stepped on and now squished between the ridges under your Reebok Pumps.

Next week, the Saints will fetch a stick in an attempt to de-lodge the shit from under the Reebok Pumps and try to get back to being a gleaming pile of fly blown shit. This is better. That is all.

 

June 30, 2009